So you think ya know me …

Wow, what an amazing day.

I’ve been on a journey of self-discovery of sorts. Mostly the process of discovering myself and being ok with what I find out.

It’s the being ok with it that I find most difficult. In fact, it’s much easier and less painful to bury it and forget about it. However, once that’s done, it still doesn’t hide what remains.

There are so many things I dislike about myself. I know that same goes for many of you. But my struggle is one I have been burying for a long time. I find something I don’t like and I look for ways to cover it up or discount it; ways to mask it or look at it a different way; ways to make it not look so bad or ways to make it look better than it actually is.

What happen is this: I discount my own abilities to deal with the things I don’t like. I also discredit the strengths in me to over come those things I don’t like.

In my rush to judge myself too harshly, I am dicrediting my own abilities, my own strengths and replacing them with weeknesses masked as strengths.

For example, you may see yourself as fat (although you are a healthy 120 pound woman) and you begin to eat less, work out more, maybe even plan on some surgery or worse, develop an eating issue.

The problem isn’t what you are doing to cover up the fact that you think you are fat. The problem is the why behind  what makes you think you are fat.

Once you uncover the why of your reasoning, you can better equip yourself to deal with it in more healthy ways.

What I have uncovered lately is my hatred for certain people who have hurt me. And when I say hatred, I mean bitter-sweet hatred. Stone cold, nasty feeling hatred. The kind of hatred that makes you think and do odd things. Avoid people, lie, avoid people … lie.

I have hated a certain person for what seems like forever. It’s hurting me, I know. There is no joy in this hatred. I know some of you love to hate and rip people apart with your self-righteousness, but this hate is not something i have enjoyed. It hurts me a lot. I have wanted to love this person and I don’t know how. I truly don’t.

Through this journey, I am learning how to accept this person for who they are … disfunctional, handicapped, disconnected, etc. I can’t change them, but I can change me.

They are who they are, whether they choose to accept that is up to them. If I cannot accept them for who they are, I will continue this hatred and injure myself further.

Just as a person in a wheelchair cannot readily get up and walk, certain people cannot just change who they are. Until they are able to, they will remain disabled. That’s their choice.

My choice is to accept them, forgive them, forgive myself and eventually move from this place of hatred. I am on this journey. I thought I was over it, but I have a lot of work to do.

Soon, I will be off this path onto a new one, using the skills I have learned from this journey for the next. This path is rough and difficult but worth every step.

Thank you, to my pastor and those who have helped me along this journey. And of course, thank you Lord Jesus.